Guide You Home
by riveroad
Summary: Two couples get from one moment to another – because all the bad goes hand in hand with all the good. Major spoilers for the Season Five finale. Two-shot, rated for language. Sam&Jules, Spike&Winnie.
1. Chapter 1

**Sam & Jules**

Hospitals have never bothered Jules before and she's been in and out of them multiple times in her life. She knows the smell gets to Sam, the colour gets to Spike, knows the whole idea of them makes Boss sad.

Thinks she has a thing that she hates about them now too: the waiting. They're all just _sitting_ here and nothing makes any sense and then it took longer than it should have for them to drive here, all the traffic still backlogged, all the highways looking like parking lots. She knows that Sam called in, spoke to Sid and she tried to get ahold of Dean but the cell towers were still fucked up and the call wouldn't connect. She keeps trying but the kid won't answer and even though she _knows_ that he was heading to HQ, she's still thinking about dead children in the streets and broken buildings.

She doesn't think she's ever been so relieved to see Winnie in her life, Winnie whose eyes are red and who pats Dean on the shoulder when he asks about his dad and then Dean sits down and Jules watches him try to be strong. Thinks it's got to be one of those other things that she hates about hospitals, everyone trying to pretend that they're not panicking, like they aren't scared. She switches her gaze to Winnie, thinks that all of them probably look the same and she thinks about how your brain can play tricks on you when you can only hear things, not see them at all. Winnie's fidgeting and Jules knows what adrenaline is like, knows they're all sitting here trying to detox and she almost wishes she could do what Winnie's doing, walking around on a search for a vending machine.

She switches her gaze to Sam. It's why she notices his brow furrow when Spike gets up and disappears too, why she sees his eyebrows shoot up when Spike comes back fifteen minutes later. With Winnie. It's why she follows his gaze, sees the flush on Winnie's cheeks and how Spike's pulse is jumping in his throat (she's going to be honest here, is pretty sure her eyebrows are way up too).

Sam stares at the ground, smirks a little to himself and Jules wants to roll her eyes at him but also, she feels this pang of relief, like for a second, all that gravity that's sitting right on top of them is gone, just for a moment. It lets her breathe. Lets her think about something other than Boss in surgery.

Her leg's giving off this low, dull throb, something just in the background so she can't actually ignore it but every time she shifts, it _hurts_. She needs to go to the bathroom, needs some water too and she steels herself to get to her feet, gets herself ready to ignore the stabbing sting that comes with moving. Sam's right there beside her though, hand under her elbow and she lets him help her up, clings to him for just a second until the pain recedes and she can see properly.

"Bathroom?"

She nods at him, tries to walk like a normal person and gives up half way there, drags her leg along because it hurts less to do that than it does to lift it off the ground (only by a fraction though, so really, what's it even matter).

"You need me to come in with you?"

And she knows he really means it but she also can't stand the look on his face, thinks it's got no place being there, not at all, so she cuffs him lightly in the vest and rolls her eyes. "I know you're not trying to get into my pants in a _public bathroom_. Didn't think that was your style, Braddock."

He's already protesting by the time he realizes she's kidding and then he just shakes his head at her exasperatedly but he looks like the Sam she married this morning and she just really wants to-

"I'll wait for you out here then." He smiles at her, steady and warm, like he knows what she's thinking and she smiles too, thinks it might be what he needs from her, too.

She leans her elbows on the sink after she's washed her hands, stares in the mirror. It's not like she doesn't know how fast things change but sometimes, it would be great to just have things _stop_, just for a moment. She also wonders what exactly it means that the day she and Sam get married, they lose Donna and Jim and they could still lose Boss.

That's what she asks when she drags her leg back outside the bathroom, Sam leaning against the wall with his eyes closed, a bottle of water held loosely in his hand.

"You think we're just bad luck?"

"What?" He looks confused, extends his hand to give her the bottle and she downs nearly all of it in one gulp, wonders if it was stupid because pretty much, that's just guaranteed to have her back here in less than ten minutes.

She shrugs though, leans against his arm and lifts the weight off her leg, back against the wall, sighs a little in relief. A young couple walks past, freezes when they see the uniforms, just for a second. "Like maybe we're cursed?"

"We are not cursed."

"No? After today, that's what you're going to say?"

"I married you today. So no."

She sighs but also, she's smiling, just a little. With her, he's always been good at words. "I didn't mean us like the two of us. I meant us like the Team. SRU." Sometimes, he just doesn't follow her. Which is fine. She's never minded leading.

He lets out a heavy exhale, rubs his hands over his face. "I don't know, Jules. I don't even know if I believe in that kind of thing. But what are the odds of Boss being there, at the right time for everyone else but the wrong time for him?"

"I don't know." And she doesn't. Has no idea. Hasn't been able to get past this entire thing happening in the first place. Not in Toronto, not like this.

"What are we bringing this child into?" he asks staring into space and that is actually a question she can answer.

She smiles at him. "We made the world better today, Sam. People like Boss and Donna and you made the world better. Doesn't that count for something?" It does for her. Counts a whole lot. Thinks it's going to count for their child too.

He turns his head, looks at her for a second like he's trying to see if she's making this shit up and then he smiles, sad and small but it's there. "Some wedding, huh?"

She rolls her eyes at him playfully. "The wedding was the easy part."

And he smiles at her properly, like she's just given him something back that he hadn't even realized he'd been missing. "Ed came by here a few seconds ago. Clark's doing good. I asked if we could stop by for a few minutes."

"Can we go now?" she asks. It's just – she wants something solid to look at right now, evidence that not every single thing in this day is going to be-

She doesn't even know who went to tell Hank. Glances at Sam as he slides his arm around her waist to help her. Thinks she doesn't even want to imagine it, not now. Not today.

(Maybe not ever.)

Sophie stands up when they get to the door, smiles at them, this smile that's so tired but also tinged with relief and Jules has always understood women but she thinks right now, she also understands mothers.

"Sit down," Sophie says hoarsely, sounds like her throat's all raw. "Your leg. Eddy told me-" she clears her throat. "Sorry I missed today. Our babysitter cancelled right at the last minute. I was going to take Izzy over to my mom's for tonight but I-" She just stops abruptly and Jules ignores her leg, steps forward and hugs her. Wonders what it must have been like not knowing that her son-she heard Ed. They all heard Ed. "Okay. Sit," Sophie says, all business again.

Sam helps her into the chair and yeah, she's going to need to get this leg looked at again, maybe tomorrow, because now that she's getting the chance to think about it, it's really starting to seize up.

"He okay? Ed said he was doing okay," Sam says softly, accepts Sophie's hug, pats her on the back. "Thought he'd be awake."

"He's been in and out," she says, reaches her hand down to smooth Clark's hair and Jules watches her, suddenly noticing all these things about her that she never really thought about before. Sophie fixes the blankets, adjusts the edge of the pillow. "He's going to be okay though." She glances at Sam. "Have they said anything about Greg yet?"

Jules answers so that Sam doesn't have to. "He's still in surgery. We're just. Still waiting."

"I spoke to Marina for a few minutes. She's…worried."

Jules thinks about how Marina looked, coming around the corner and staring at all of them, hair all perfect but her face haggard, how she'd run into the hospital in her heels, frantic and scared and Jules wonders just what in the hell Spike said in that voicemail. Wonders if it wouldn't have been a better idea to have Winnie do it, that calm dispatching voice.

"He's going to be fine," Sam says and Jules is surprised because it's the first thing they learn, don't say things like that, don't make promises, don't use absolutes. (Also, though. She thinks she needed to hear someone say it because something inside her stomach unknots, just a little.)

"I didn't get to say congratulations, yet," Sophie says, her smile genuine even though when she's angled a certain way, Jules can see tear stains all down her cheeks. "On today. And on the baby. Ed told me. You must be so excited."

Jules knows she's got a silly smile on her face but she can't help it, even in the face of everything they lost today, everything they could still lose. Sam's looking at her, this tender expression, even though in front of other people, they don't usually- "We are," she says, glances down, feels like she needs to apologize even though she didn't do anything wrong. "I just-"

"You guys will be great," Sophie says, nods at them both like because now she's said it, there's no other way for it to go. "Izzy can't wait. I tried telling her all day that it was going to take a while longer but. Think she's getting a little sick of being the youngest one at everything."

Jules laughs, sees Sam looking genuinely happy, this smile on his face and she feels _lucky_. For all the things she has, right here, right in this moment. "Thanks, Soph."

"You need anything, you let me know. I obviously haven't perfected it," she glances at Clark, a shadow growing in her eyes, "but babies are different."

"Think you're a pretty great mom, actually," Sam says, looks completely embarrassed immediately after, the tips of his ears turning red. "Uh. So. How long's he going to have to stay?"

"Few days. He. Um. He got off pretty lucky for having a building fall down on him."

"That's good," Jules says. She really means it, doesn't know what she'd be doing or feeling if it was a Team One kid they were going to have to bury. Feels nausea rising in her throat just thinking about it.

"We should go," Sam says, eyes on her. "Leave it a little quieter in here. We'll be back though."

Sophie nods. "I'll come by in a little bit, switch with Ed. Thanks."

As they walk back towards where everyone else is waiting, Jules leans a little closer to Sam, lets him lean on her too and just a few feet away, she stops, looks up at him. "I'd marry you again, you know."

He laughs, this unexpected sound, like she's gone and surprised him but like he's also surprised that he's laughing at all. "Good to know." He clears his throat, just looks at her, serious and sincere and as they take another step, he says, "Hey Jules? Me too."

They run into Leah and Izzy right in the doorway, Ed and Sophie's daughter holding tight to the strap of Leah's vest and Leah telling her this elaborate story about a mouse and a cat (kind of sounds like Tom and Jerry, actually, but Jules isn't about to steal Leah's thunder). Leah takes a seat, settles Izzy on her lap, Izzy yawning widely but saying, "And then what?" and Leah clearing her throat before she launches into more.

Jules lets Sam help her back into a chair and she wonders if Winnie knows that she's pacing and that Spike can't take his eyes off her. Marina's sitting next to Dean, both of them with these identical expressions on their faces, worry but also a little amusement because they're looking at Winnie too. Marina rolls her eyes at her and Jules snickers.

"We just went to see Clark," Sam says and Winnie stops, looks at him.

"Think I can-"

"You should," Sam says, points her down the hallway and then he takes a seat beside Spike and slaps him hard on the back.

Spike coughs and makes a face. "Can I help you with something?"

Jules snorts, watches the two of them in amusement.

"Just saying hi," Sam says, grins at him.

Spike lets out a long suffering sigh. "Think you could do it without being so violent? Cause I can do the same. Only. I'm not the one who got blown up earlier."

"Okay, really, what, are we going to bring that up forever?"

Privately, Jules thinks that when today is over, whenever the next time they're on shift is, they're all going to sit Sam down at the briefing room table, have him dismantle dummy bombs for an entire month straight.

"You're the worst stand-in-bomb-tech I've ever seen," Spike informs him jokingly but Jules sees how his hands shake, just for a second, sees how his eyes look all haunted and dark, is back in that moment where she thought that it was _over_, her screaming and Spike pleading and-

"Yeah. Think I'll leave those to you," Sam says, winces.

"Or you could just _listen_ to me next time," Spike retorts but Jules knows what fear sounds like.

"Huh. There's an idea."

Jules sighs heavily, like Sam is just _so _annoying but also, she's thinking that he's hers and she's his and it's official and she didn't ever think that she'd put on a white dress and offer someone vows in front of all the people they love. It feels like it was a lifetime ago.

Sam meets her eyes, smiles at her.

She desperately wants to ask Spike about Winnie, about what in the hell is going on because they all _know_ and they've all kept their mouths shut because Leah said they had to (and that she'd given him enough of a hard time without the rest of them getting into it too). But basically, Jules just wants to flat out ask him, nostalgia for his first month on the team, how he stood awkwardly in her kitchen while she made gingerbread and then made him put those steady-hands to use with the icing, the whole while asking him completely inappropriate questions that he answered because he hadn't known any better.

She looks at Dean and Marina, thinks about how far people can come when they're decent _good_ people and she just hopes that she can be the kind of mother who raises someone like that.

Jules sits bolt upright when the doctor comes in, feels everything in her reset. Instinctively looks for Sam.

He's looking at her too.

She listens with half an ear. Feels so fucking relieved that she's almost frozen for a second. And she never thought she'd be relieved hearing about bullets nicking lungs, about shattered bone and perforated spleens.

Dean and Marina are already standing and she has this silly, random thought like Boss should totally marry Marina and then she rolls her eyes at herself because it's purely the kind of thought someone who got married less than twenty-four hours ago would have. She also kind of likes how Dean looks expectantly at Winnie like he's the annoying little brother, family crossing blood and time.

Spike cracks a smile, his eyes fixed on Winnie's face and Jules feels warmed by it, just a little (how he might be _her_ annoying little brother, the one she never counted on having, the one she got anyway). She also wants to know how exactly she missed it, thinks maybe it had to do with getting pregnant and getting married and being worried about messing up the team. She suddenly wants Spike to have all the things she has with Sam, all of the good and all of the bad and all of the parts that don't make any sense. Wants her family to keep getting bigger and bigger, the way it's been with Izzy and Leah and Marina.

'Toth would never understand this', she thinks fiercely. Would never understand that no, they're not just cops and this isn't just a job. It _is_ family and she doesn't care who says it's not the right way to do things, it's the way Team One does things and maybe they're onto something with that because they've held the best record ever since they chose this team and these people.

She and Sam duck their heads in, just for a moment and Boss smiles at them, a morphine kind of smile but his eyes are clear when he opens them and none of them say anything at all but she kind of thinks that a whole lot gets said, same as when he hugged her right after she and Sam became Mr and Mrs with a baby on the way. Sam tightens his arm around her waist and she turns, hugs him hard.

They sit back down and Sam raises his eyebrows at her, presses a kiss to her hair and she can hear him snicker. "Talk about a stare off," he breathes against her skin.

She glances up, Spike and Winnie sitting across from each other and elbows him lightly. "Stop it." But really, it's kind of nice to feel amusement, something other than fear and worry and sadness.

She feels relief too, even though her leg is hurting worse than it has all day and she leans against Sam gratefully, thinks that being married to someone who knows that, who knows how to help her without her needing to ask him, is pretty great.

Also, when Spike says that thing about family, how all of them are already with family, she very nearly has to wipe away a tear – which seriously, are these those hormones the doctor said were going to make an appearance? Because those can leave any time now, they're not _her_, not at all. They only do what Dean says because he's right and they can't do anything else here, knows that without sleep, they're all useless anyway, first rule in the SRU handbook.

Later, when she's leaning against her locker and just wanting _Sam_ (and Leah's got to be able to tell, the way she hasn't even offered, Winnie standing in front of both of them, this look on her face like she can read both of them so easily and Jules thinks that family is one of those things that should never ever end) and then he's just there in front of her, she almost cries. Which is so incredibly embarrassing that she's never going to tell anyone about it ever.

But she kind of thinks Sam knows because he looks at her and there's exhaustion all over his face and then he slides his arms around her, holds her tight and she hears Leah murmur something soft, feels the other woman's hand on her shoulder and then the door closes and it's just her and Sam and they're married and they're still _here_, both of them still alive and they are going to get years more and she knew, the first time he kissed her, that she was never going to want anyone else ever again.

(She might have tried to fight it but she couldn't outrun it, not forever and the only thing that changed is that she stopped wanting to.)

He walks slowly, long legs matching her pace, her leg dragging painfully every other second and he lifts her right up, hands at her hips, sits her in the car and then slides her leg in gently. "We're going to get that looked at again tomorrow."

She nods, is just so _tired_, spent too many minutes on the phone with her father sitting on the bench in the locker room and then just handed the phone to Sam, couldn't find the words anymore. And for a negotiator, that's a pretty shitty feeling. Sam rubbed her knee the whole time he talked to her dad though. And what's it say that it's only now she remembers that they were supposed to be at their reception. "Sam-"

"It's okay. I told them all to go on ahead without us."

"A reception. Without the bride and groom?" She arches her eyebrow, wonders if they can just turn up like this, even if it's the last thing in the world she wants to do.

He shrugs, grins at her. "I think it's actually better this way?"

And she knows what he means, bursts out laughing even though people came a long way to do this with them and she doesn't know when they'll ever have the chance to have all those people in the same room together again.

"Love you, Jules," he says, right before he puts the car into reverse.

She smiles at him, ignores the throbbing of her leg in time to her own heart, thinks he's never looked better than he does now, half his face starting to bruise. Because he's alive and he's hers and they've got _time_. "Love you too."

She's not an idiot, knows how the wedding night's supposed to go but they spend ten minutes just standing in their front hallway holding each other and every time she breathes out, she remembers that there's another life there with them. Sam cradles her face and kisses her so gently, it's barely a kiss at all and she tells him that she loves him over and over again.

Tells him that when she looked up and he was in the locker room with her and Leah, she nearly cried. He just kisses her again, slides his hands up the front of her shirt and rests them on her stomach.

He carries her up the stairs and she lays her head against his shoulder. "Shit, I think you were supposed to carry me through the front door."

He snorts. "What, now you want tradition?" Lets out a soft laugh. "We can do that part tomorrow."

"Everything out of order," she says smiling because it always has been and she's never really minded.

"Lucky us," he breathes right against her hair.

He sits her on the edge of the sink, looks at her leg carefully and she says, "Leave it. Can you just come here?"

It takes them longer than it usually does to get each other undressed, everything bare with no adrenaline to hide it, and she tries to tell him not to lift her because now that she can see all of him and he's all purple and blue, she's actually wondering if this is something that should wait.

He rolls his eyes at her, "That's a terrible idea," and he tosses his shirt on the countertop before he puts her back on it and she snickers.

"It's cold," he defends.

But how thoughtful he is – even when it annoys the ever living shit out of her – is _nice_, it always has been.

It feels different, the way he skims his fingers across her shoulder blades, how his muscles feel under her fingers, how she keeps catching glimpses of their rings, bathroom light bouncing right off of them, everything is different. Even the way he kisses her is different, everything heavy and all layered between them. Married. But then he pulls back and looks at her face and it's still _them_, just different. Better.

Everything is slow, both of them in pain but this has always been all the things they aren't ready to talk about yet and she gets her fingers on his shoulders, avoids all the bruising as best she can and he breathes against her skin and she has this idle thought, like this has always been a thing they were good at.

He kisses her hard on the mouth, swallows any noise she was going to make, gasps right into her mouth and then rests his forehead against her, breathes out hard. "We're married."

She snorts, breathing only just returning to normal. "You're a bright one, aren't you, Braddock?"

"You're Braddock too," he retorts and she finds herself grinning, never thought she'd ever be anything but Callaghan, not ever.

He smiles too and they have a moment under the bathroom lights, his hands on either side of her hips and the foot of her uninjured leg against the back of his knee, where they're breathing the same air and everything stops.

And when they stumble into bed, she pokes him in the side, chooses a part that isn't bruised and says, "Just so you know. There's no place else I'd rather be. And if you make fun of me for saying that, I'm going to hurt you."

He snorts, eyes already closing. "I already know all of that. But nice of you to say it."

"Sam-"

"Me too."

"Like, forev-"

"Same as always."

She smiles into the darkness, pressed against his side, his arm around her and her head on his shoulder.


	2. Chapter 2

**Spike &** **Winnie**

They all end up at the hospital. Boss in surgery, Clark recovering. Everyone's still in their uniforms, all of them except Ed – even on the worst day in the history of the city, SIU still insists on doing what it's there to do.

Winnie made Dean wait for her to hand her headset off to Pete, waited for Miriam's dad to collect her (she can still remember how Miriam's father looked at Dean, reached out and squeezed his shoulder, his arm around his daughter the whole time). She just couldn't let him go alone, Sarge would have killed her. Dean was silent by the time she snagged the keys to one of the SUVs, Sid at the desk and teams in disarray, debriefing happening all over the place.

She glances over at him, thinks he reminds her so much of his father. Can't think of a better compliment than that. She flips the sirens on. Even though it's against protocol (it's against protocol for her to even be _in _the SUV in the first place). She can see his hands trembling, just a little before he takes a deep breath and steadies them, this conscious action.

Spike's the first one she sees and she has to restrain herself from rushing up and throwing her arms around him, bites down on her tongue until she tastes blood (it's just - ever since that night, everything's been different. The same too. But different). It's relief though, sharp, like she's been sucker punched in the stomach.

He stops, eyes on her and her step falters and she just stares back at him, right there in the middle of the fourth floor. Dean huffs next to her, rolls his eyes and looks a little more like the kid she knows, the one she didn't cut the monitor off for.

"Winnie-"

"Come on," she says and her voice sounds foreign. "Let's find out what's going on."

He swallows, feet not moving. "Do you think-"

"No," she says sharply.

She squeezes Dean's shoulder when he says, "How is he?" He reaches up blindly and squeezes her hand back so hard it hurts. Leah answers, succinct, like she's the surgeon, all to the point. Dean exhales sharply and Winnie pushes him into a seat, has this vague thought like she needs to get him some sugar before he passes out.

Spike's eyes are still on hers, still roaming her face and she doesn't know how to look away, doesn't know how not to.

She clears her throat, opens her mouth to say something and finds she can't, is still reeling from watching every single team walk out the door, from watching Boss make that speech, from losing people and thinking that Spike-

Not that he's her favourite or anything. It isn't like that, she cares about all of them, knows all of them in a way she thinks maybe the people they've chosen to share their lives with don't even know them (minus Sam and Jules and was it just this morning that they were exchanging vows? She can't believe it, can't believe how fast things change) and all she's ever wanted to do was keep people _safe_. Just feels like no matter what they do, they're always a step behind.

(When she heard the gunshots, she froze and then she heard Boss speaking and part of her relaxed, even though she knew it was stupid to, because it's something she relies on, his voice and the right words. She thinks there's a part of her still stuck in an endless loop, hearing Sam call out for a medic, hearing Ed-)

"I'm going to get you something to eat," she says out of nowhere. Dean looks at her like he doesn't remember who she is.

She stands in front of the vending machine, surveys her options and then can't get her cash out of her pocket. She struggles, pulls out a five and then just looks at it. It's like today took everything she had to get through, listening to all the things she had to listen to and now she doesn't have anything else left. Hands brush against hers, someone's voice right beside her and she flinches back.

"Sorry."

"No, that was me," she says. "Sorry. I just. You startled me."

Spike smiles at her, all reassuring, like women freak out every time he talks to them or something, takes the bill right out of her hand. She has no idea what combination he presses, thinks Dean won't care either way. "Boss was hard on you earlier."

She shrugs, keeps looking at what's in the vending machine, this sad combination of salt and processed sugar.

"It wasn't you."

She knows that, not like it was her first time at the rodeo, doesn't need to have her hand held just because someone snapped at her in the heat of the moment. "Doesn't matter," she says. "I just-it doesn't _matter_." She's vaguely aware that she's shaking, like she can't quite-

"He's going to be okay. Think they got him here in time. They said-"

So their first kiss is up against a vending machine on the 6th floor of St Mike's, everyone they care about two floors down and there's just no finesse, her teeth knocking into his and his gear digging painfully into her ribs. It's hard and desperate, years of pent up attraction and the adrenaline of this job, of this _day _and Winnie realizes right away, that very first second, that one time's never going to be enough, like this is opening the floodgates of something she can't even understand.

The only reason she stops is because she hears crying around the corner, thinks the last thing someone who lived through today needs to see is her getting ready to take Spike's uniform apart.

Her lips are burning and she thinks she should take a step back, get out of his face and stop breathing his air but also, she doesn't want to, kind of wants him to kiss her again. He gives her this slow, patient smile and if it weren't for his pulse jumping in his neck she'd think she had no effect on him at all. It sets all her insides off balance.

"It's okay," he says, voice all low and soothing. "It's okay."

She doesn't know what in the hell he's talking about until they get back to the 4th floor and she's handed Dean some crackers and a Mars bar. She sits down and Dean looks at her, raises his eyebrow and she knows she flushes, even though he's a kid and he probably doesn't know what she was just doing and she doesn't have anything to be embarrassed about anyway.

And then she catches Spike looking at her and she thinks about how he talked to her the way you'd talk to a spooked horse and her mouth drops open a little because _it's_ _not like that_.

It's just-in the face of Donna and Jim and Boss and Clark, some stupid rule about what someone does for a living-it's not like he just caught her at a bad time, not like it would have happened with anyone else but him.

The point is, she's going to feel this way no matter if they do this or not. She's going to have her heart in her throat on every single bomb call, whenever he has a gun pointed at his head. She's going to feel this way when he's talking someone down, all those moments that he's out on those calls and not hanging over her desk grinning at her. It's just - she already does.

She's also pretty sure she's going to feel this way when he's at home and she's alone in her apartment because her feeling this way isn't going to just magically go away, hasn't so far and it certainly won't after that kiss.

(What the hell is balance anyway, because she's pretty sure that she's in a hospital surrounded by cops when she's not even working and there's nowhere else she can think of to be in the whole entire world.)

She turns that over in her mind, coloured the way it is by knowing how he kisses. Thinks she can't just let this go. Thinks she doesn't want to. Wonders what exactly it says that the only thing she wants right now is his hands on her.

Her eyes fall on Jules, on the blood soaked bandage around her leg, on the way Sam sits right beside her and she's struck by this longing. For Spike to look at her the way Sam and Jules look at each other. For all the things they have, that weird telepathy, how he just knows when Jules needs him. She stares at their hands, barely touching, thinks about all the ways Jules could have lost him, not just today, thinks about how she wasn't afraid to just go ahead and marry him. Or maybe they were both afraid and they chose together anyway.

Winnie's taken to pacing, this horrific habit she picked up at SRU when sitting still isn't an option. Marina and Dean are sitting next to each other, Sam and Jules, Leah with Izzy. Ed and Sophie taking turns walking over to check what's happening, never leaving Clark on his own even though he's going to be okay (Ed looks haggard when he comes around the corner, checks in with the rest of them and squeezes her elbow as he walks past. Winnie gets it, is still waiting for more bad news, waiting for things to go south. Like with Donna) and she ducks her head into his room for a second, just looks at him and Clark looks at her and she smiles because if she doesn't, she's going to start to cry instead.

Spike's staring at his hands and she takes a moment to look at him, thinks that objectively, he's so fucking attractive, she doesn't know how she's ignored it all this time (except she hasn't, not really. Her heart's raced every single time he's stood too close since her first afternoon at SRU). She barely hears what the doctor says, feels everyone else sag, let out these breaths of relief, but she's only looking at Spike, thinking about all those things Boss said about sacrifice and choosing, about this not being anything like that and she forces herself to stop holding her breath.

What exactly does stable even mean? _What does it mean_? She wants to shake this woman in the white coat, wants to ask her for the stupid person's version. Suddenly realizes that everyone's looking at her.

"What?"

Dean gives her this patient look, like they've gone and changed places, like he's the adult and is going to lead her now. "Come on."

She wants to ask where exactly but he raises his eyebrow, glances at Spike and then back at her and she glares at him, sourly thinks she's getting made fun of by someone who's not even out of high school yet. Feels so incredibly grateful for it.

Dean and Marina go in first and Winnie wonders exactly what in the hell she's doing here, third in line, ICU and family only, two visitors at a time.

Marina smiles at her when she comes out, tears in the corners of her eyes and Dean nudges at her. "Go on."

Boss looks bad. Pale and there's tubes and she almost doesn't know him until he opens his eyes. "Hi Winnie." Like they're running into each other at the front doors of SRU.

"Hi Boss." Her voice shakes, this tremble she can't stop.

"I won't take up too much of your time." He kind of sounds the same except his words are running into each other, not as careful as they usually are.

She snorts in spite of herself.

"Just wanted to say. Good work today. We couldn't have done it without you." He pauses. "Think I might not be here if it weren't for you. Sending that gear over."

A tear slides down her cheek then and her voice is barely a whisper. "Boss, I-"

"Hey now. Nothing to cry over here. I'm okay."

She clears her throat, thinks she's going to cry no matter what, doesn't know if she'll be able to stop.

"Now. You can tell me to shut up. We can blame it on the morphine if you like. But. I think you should know that I've been scared of a lot of things in my life. Fear is-" He trails off, gives her a look that could be a smile. "Never as much as when I thought that bomb was going to go off." He closes his eyes and she takes a step closer, strains to hear. "I don't know how he does it."

She swallows hard. "Me either."

He meets her gaze steadily. "How's our team, Winnie?"

She shakes her head at him, thinks of Jules begging Sam, thinks of Spike telling him to get out, thinks of Leah barely breathing, thinks about Ed's voice cracking on the phone. "They're alive." Her voice trembles on that second word.

"Good. That's good."

She clears her throat, tries to sort out everything she's still hearing, all those things that aren't in this room. "Boss, I don't know how to-"

"You'll figure it out."

She thinks she should be embarrassed, how he must know everything, finds that she isn't. Not even a little bit.

"Like I said. Couldn't have done it without you."

She inhales hard, leans down and kisses his cheek.

"Dean told me you borrowed an SUV to drive him over here." He smiles at her. "That's our girl."

She lets out a choked laugh and squeezes his hand before she lets Marina and Dean take her spot. She gets outside, leans against the wall, hands on her knees, choking against tears that she's trying to keep quiet. It's Ed who finds her, slides his arms around her and she clings to him, sobbing hard into his t-shirt, hard like she's wanted to ever since she heard him in the car begging Clark to wait, like she's wanted to since Donna's voice was in her ear and then it was gone, like she's wanted to since she heard Boss dying over the headset and she tries desperately hard to stop. He rubs her back and when she finally pulls away, she sees the tear tracks on his face.

"We're okay. We're okay." She has no idea if he even knows what he's saying, if it's something he's trying to tell himself or if it's a reassurance he's trying to offer her. Thinks maybe it could be both.

She thinks about everything that they lost, everything that they_ nearly_ lost and has to take several deep breaths to stop from starting up all over again. "Thanks."

"Anything you need. We take care of each other. Right?"

She nods, gives him a ghost of a smile. "Right."

"Okay. Okay then." He squeezes both her arms, nods firmly at her.

When she stumbles back into the waiting room, Leah takes the seat beside hers, holds her hand and she wonders if she should have made a detour to the bathroom, washed her face first. Spike's in the chair across from her, staring at his hands and she wonders what he's reliving, all the things none of them can see. She doesn't look away when he raises his eyes and looks at her and she has no idea how much time passes but neither one of them looks at anything else until he gets up to go see Boss.

"You guys should go home."

Winnie's eyes swing towards Dean, hears Sam and Jules start protesting.

"No, I'm serious," he says and he sounds so much like his father that Winnie almost- "There's nothing any of you can do here. He's out, he's stable. I'll let you know if anything changes. But you all had a-a rough day. You two just got married. Go. Go home. Get cleaned up. Get some sleep. Whatever. You should...just. Be with the people that you love."

"We are," Spike says, flashes a smile that's barely a smile. "S'family, Dean. Same as always."

Dean smiles back, this look like he's older than any of them. "So go home. Come back tomorrow. We'll still be here."

It sounds like a promise.

They all listen to him, the five of them stumbling out of the front doors of the hospital, Sam with his arm around Jules. Winnie sees him press a kiss to Jules's temple, smiles and feels like it's genuine (she's been on their side since the moment she first knew, her first ten minutes at SRU, Sam's eyes lighting up whenever he saw Jules and Jules doing her damndest not to notice it. Really, Winnie thinks the only thing that changed is that Jules stopped trying to hide the fact that her eyes were doing the exact same thing).

Spike's walking way too close, all warmth down one side of Winnie's arm, Leah on his other side. Winnie stares at the SUV she drove there in, wonders if she's going to be able to back out of this spot without hitting the tree behind her. Spike hands his keys to Leah who gives Winnie this eyebrow raise that she doesn't understand. He gets into the passenger seat while Winnie's still standing there looking at how big the SUV suddenly seems.

She glances at him as she starts the car and he smiles. "Never seen you drive before."

She rolls her eyes. "I can _drive_. I just choose not to."

He snorts, hint of a grin right there in his eyes. "Yeah. Okay."

It takes her three tries to park the stupid truck when they get back to HQ but he doesn't say a word, just smirks at her. She rolls her eyes, smiles shakily, wonders if it's just her feeling like this, like everything could be okay because he's right here with her.

They split off at the locker room and she takes a shower, washes her hair, gets dressed beside Leah and Jules. None of them say anything and she's ready first, thinks Sam is going to probably have to come in here and help Jules, how stubborn she's being about her leg, her movements all slow, not smooth the way they usually are. Leah keeps glancing down at her like she wants to help but doesn't know how. Winnie leans against the lockers, looks at them both and they look at her and she thinks everything that needs to be said is right there. All the I'm glad you're all rights and the I love yous, everything is there.

Sam and Spike are standing outside the locker room when she walks out and she pauses, wonders if Spike has always looked at her like he wants to take her home with him. Thinks maybe he has and if they were giving awards for really stupid people, she'd definitely be in the running for one. Almost wants to laugh at herself.

"I think Jules needs some help," she says to Sam. "Leah's decent, if you want to go in."

Sam squeezes her shoulder as he walks past and she tells him some garbled variation of, 'I'm glad you're not dead' and he laughs, short and really brief, smiles at her and then glances at Spike before he opens the door to the women's locker room.

And then it's just the two of them.

She's about to ask him if maybe they can get coffee sometime, see each other outside of work, just the two of them. (She wants to know if he'll still make her laugh when there are no uniforms, no desk, no guns, no job. Wants to know if he'll still sit too close to her, if she'll still find herself staring at his mouth.)

"Can I come home with you?" she blurts out, cringes immediately because she has no idea how he's going to take that, and even though it's not what she'd meant to say, she's got some idea of how she wants him to take it.

There's a really long pause and she holds her breath even though she knows better. "Uh. Do you mean like-"

"Like. Wherever you're going."

He has this comically confused look on his face and she doesn't really blame him, thinks it probably sounds like she's flip-flopping, all that, no I don't date cops, of course I wouldn't throw this rule away for the perfect guy, oh wait, I'm going to kiss you against a vending machine. He does it though, takes her home with him and she follows him into his house, looks around and doesn't know what exactly she was expecting but figures this is kind of what she'd imagined in all those moments when she was too weak to stop herself from imagining.

They're standing in the kitchen, neither one of them really saying anything and he actually looks kind of uncomfortable which is just-basically she was right about those floodgates because all she can think about is kissing him.

"Uh. You want anything?"

And, since he asked, she steps forward, gets right into his space and he kind of backs up a little and it's not like he has far to go but she follows him until his back hits the counter.

She sees him swallow, Adam's apple doing this thing that she can't believe she's noticing. "Winnie, what-"

She leans up and kisses him, this five seconds of time where he freezes against her mouth and then kisses her back, deep and exactly the way she wants him to, hands sliding up her back and then back down to pull her closer to him. She unbuttons his shirt frantically, pushes it off his shoulders and she's not actually sure if she can remember wanting someone this badly, hands shaking, every inch of her almost vibrating.

There's a part of her that finds it ridiculous, how she stumbles out of her jeans, how he runs his thumb across her rib and she ducks away a little, all ticklish, how he starts laughing when she nearly falls getting her other sock off (he cups her face and kisses her again though, warm and thorough).

It's all offset by the feel of his hands on her waist, how he's all strength and muscle when he pulls her against him, how his fingers touch her hair and then her face, how he kisses her and it's just a little rough but then his fingers brush her neck, gentle like he's handling something delicate. She wants to tell him that she can take it, that she's not going to break, that maybe she even needs it, needs a reminder that she's alive and so is he, that they're both here, together.

She doesn't know how to tell him all of that though, just tugs on his shoulder, says, "Spike, come on. _Please,_" in this voice she doesn't even know.

He pulls away and looks at her, hair in every direction and clothes scattered all around them. "You going to be here in the morning?"

And like, what kind of _question_ is that, she's not even thinking further ahead than a minute from now, just wants to feel his skin on hers, wants his weight right against her, wants to know if he's a talker, if- "What?" It's not like she's been sitting here thinking that there was any other option, knows that this isn't dating, not the way he first suggested it but that she kind of wants it this way, even though sleeping with someone without even going out with them once is just beyond insane and if he were anyone else, she'd never even have-

"I just need to know if-"

"Yes," she interrupts, feels this wild swoop in her stomach at what she's promising here, without anything at all to back it up, that it's going to be him and her without even knowing if they can stand being together. Wonders if that isn't always the risk. "Yeah. I-as long as you want me to-"

He leans down and kisses her again, cuts her off, gets his arms all around her and she thinks that outside of the anticipation, she's never felt so _safe_. He tugs her in the direction of the stairs and she trips twice, his arms steadying her. He laughs against her mouth and she smiles.

She has absolutely no time to look around because the second they get inside what she assumes is his bedroom, everything changes, it's about a hundred times more demanding and she's so on edge, his fingers all over her skin that she really doesn't even think about it until afterwards.

He lays her back in the middle of the bed and she drags him along with her, his mouth on her neck and she's making this gasping noise that objectively, she's aware sounds ridiculous except, every time she does it, he presses his hips against hers. So.

His arms are on either side of her head and she has this sudden flash of awareness like this is a thing they are going to do and that once they cross this bridge, they won't ever be able to go back and she's _glad_, this prospect of a future she's never let herself think too much about.

(So yeah. He's a talker.)

It's like-well, bottom line, this is a thing they should have done years ago.

A lot.

They kind of stare awkwardly at each other afterwards and she presses her lips together against the awful urge to giggle. She's never seen him with that look on his face, all serious and sheepish and like he's also doing his best not to let his gaze wander from her face.

She sees the barest hint of guilt there, just this shadow in the background and she wants to tell him no, no guilt, that being glad that they're both alive doesn't mean that they're glad other people aren't. "Uh. Are you okay?" Her voice cracks on one of the words and she clears her throat, thinks she's turning red.

He snorts, face relaxing. "Thirteen year old boy just hitting puberty?"

"Oh shut up," she mutters, tosses her hair, is pretty sure it's a disaster. Also, she's smiling stupidly hard. "You know, most men would at least have bought me dinner before getting me into bed."

He rolls his eyes. "I offered." Smiles widely.

She really can't fault that, thinks that the two of them lying there grinning at each other should really feel a whole lot more ridiculous than it does. "Um. I should. Um. Can I-"

He points. "Bathroom. Um." He slides off the bed with her, like this is a fourteenth century dinner and she's just gotten up to powder her nose.

Also, she sneaks several looks at him, meets his eyes and feels insanely flattered because he's doing the same thing, eyes all over her and she doesn't bother pulling the sheet along with her before she heads into the bathroom, feels his eyes on her the whole time.

Like any sane woman, she pokes around in his cabinet a little before she gets herself cleaned up, sniffs at his body wash because it smells like him, it's been a really long, awful day and she wants to. Runs into him in the doorway, both of them kind of stepping back and then forward, this ridiculous dance of, "No, it's okay, you go first, after you," and she's rolling her eyes at both of them when the door shuts behind her.

She thinks about what she promised downstairs, puts on her bra and underwear and nothing else because she doesn't want it to look like she's running out the door (she's just – she's not. But also, more than half her clothing is somewhere in his kitchen and she should probably feel less pleased about that than she does). She flips the tv on, is lying on her stomach when he comes out of the bathroom (and yes, she sneaks another look because Ed's training sessions are doing something really good here and she's not afraid to admit it).

He takes in how she's lying, chin propped up on her palm, what she's wearing and she reaches up with one hand, tries to finger-comb her hair from where it's wild and tangled all down her shoulders. He doesn't come any closer.

She wonders if he's waiting for an invitation, which makes absolutely no sense because this is his bed and his room and his space. Actually, now that she thinks about it, maybe he thinks she shouldn't be touching his tv remote. Is he weird about his space? Ugh, see, this is the problem with dating, guys always-

"I uh. You want anything?"

She raises her eyebrows at him, thinks it's probably too soon to make the joke that's on the tip of her tongue, him standing in his underwear just kind of looking at anything but her. "Can I get a drink, actually? Just water or juice or something."

He nods at her and then disappears out the door and she rolls on her back, stares at the ceiling. Thinks of course they're awkward now, who gets to have awesome sex with someone – awesome, _first time_ sex with someone they actually _like_ – and then have everything just be normal? Like, what did she expect? That she'd just sleep with _Spike_ and everything would just work itself right out? All those reasons she hadn't wanted to say yes, not to dinner, not to anything else – they're all still there.

She's still lying on her back, head hanging off the foot of the bed and thinking that this is just too weird to keep going and maybe she can just pretend to have a foot cramp or like, the flu and-

He sets two glasses down on the bedside table, leans down and kisses her, doesn't wait for her to sit up and like now, things _really_ aren't making sense (plus his lips on hers are making her light-headed. Or it's the hanging upside down). She swings herself up and watches him warily as he hands her the glass with the juice in it.

"I didn't spike it."

Her lips twitch, same as they always do when she hears his nickname used in every day language. Because apparently, she's an eleven year old girl, is a step away from drawing hearts above the i's in her name.

He rolls his eyes at her, drains his glass in one long swallow and she's definitely still watching his throat, wonders if this is now a thing. You know. The way a six pack or really good forearms are for other people (or, apparently for her, when it comes to him – she just can't even-whatever, not the point).

She drinks her juice to have something to do with her hands and a place to look that isn't anywhere near him and when she wipes her mouth with the back of her hand, he grins at her.

She huffs. "Okay, seriously. Why is this weird?" She would never have asked anyone but him.

He gives her this look like part of him wants to say, 'what are you talking about, this isn't weird' and the other part of him wants to say, 'Because we just slept together and everything is weird.' "Winnie-"

"Spike."

"I uh. Yeah?"

She clears her throat, day on fast forward in her head, all of the time he spent sitting next to her, showing her pictures and asking her things she wasn't ready to do, Ed's side of his conversation with Clark, complete mayhem in the city and just not knowing if- "I know you're always careful. I don't care. You have to be more careful." It comes off sounding petulant, a little childish but his eyes soften and he reaches his hand out, touches her face, brushes his thumb across her lips.

"Okay, Win," he says softly, "I get it. I know."

She shoves all those tears that want to come leaking out right into the back of her skull, thinks there'll be time for those later. "You don't know. At least you're there. At least you can _do _something-"

"Not today." His voice is all quiet. "Not with Sam. Not with Boss either."

She sniffs. "Yeah." She looks down. "Yeah. Like that."

Oh fuck. She is like, over a hundred percent sure that she's just going to fall insanely in love with him, even though more than a hundred percent isn't possible and half of her is already there.

He leans closer, kisses her forehead gently and her breath catches, just for a second. (Okay. So maybe more than half of her is already there and yeah, if they were giving out those awards, she thinks she'd get the biggest statue – stupidest, most stupid person ever.) "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah."

It's like they've gone and taken this huge step without moving at all.

He tugs her down to lie with him, her head on his shoulder and his fingers brushing against her hipbone, her legs pulled up into him.

"Knew you had a thing for me," he says teasingly.

She splutters, immediately insisting that of course she didn't because it's a force of habit and when she tilts her neck up and sees that he's laughing at her, she rolls her eyes. "You asked me out first." Wouldn't even be saying any of this stuff at all if it were anyone else but him because hi, she sounds like she's in elementary school.

"I did." He's still grinning at her and something in the pit of her stomach disappears, gets replaced with something else, something warm.

"What was that about anyway?" she mutters, knows there's a grin on her face too, everything between them just as easy as it always is.

"Leah."

"Leah what?"

He snorts. "Pointed it out. Felt pretty stupid and then. You know. You said no."

She turns onto her stomach, glares at him. "I didn't say _no_." Ignores the fact that she totally said no. "I mean. You caught me off guard. I didn't-"

"You didn't what?" He takes a piece of her hair in his fingers, rubs it like he's feeling the texture and possibly, something in her chest is going to explode, like there's something bright and star-shaped sitting in there ready to burst.

"Don't remember," she says. Smiles at him. Doesn't know if all those things that made her say no will ever go away but he makes her want to _try_, makes her want to find out. "Leah huh? Guess I owe her something. Cookie maybe."

"Or two," he says, grins at her some more.

And it kind of feels like it's the middle of something and she can't think of a better place for them to start.


End file.
